Last Thursday was ridiculous. Between the three of us, my friends and I had 2 bottles of wine and half of a bottle of Hennessey. Freaking ghetto.

The only things I remember are an ill-conceived drinking game based around Iron Chef America. Every time they showed judge Jeffrey Steingarten’s greasy-ass lips, we would drink. Then on Project Runway, every time Tim Gunn touched his face, we’d drink. Whenever someone smiled, we’d drink.

Woke up at 1AM, making HURRRRR HURRRR noises on their futon (leaving what was later delightfully described to me as a “squirtle” on the wall).  I tore off the funky futon sheet in horror, clutching it to my chest. Then I immediately forgot I’d already taken the sheet off, and HULK-LIFTED the mattress, scrabbling to find the sheet.

Then I decided since I couldn’t find the sheet, I should take the whole futon mattress OUT OF THE APARTMENT. More HULK-LIFTING. Then, “Jesus christ this is freaking heavy, eh?” so I just ended up feebly flipping the mattress over and over again, still trying to find the sheet.

I called a cab service to come get me in motherflipping Harlem. I was crying for some reason, and my drunk-voice sounds like the voice of a retard with a mouth full of mashed potatoes. The dispatcher kept asking me if someone had kidnapped me, or if I was being held against my will. “NOE, I JUSS DRAUNKKK, I nee to go hooooommm,” I moaned in my retard-drunk-voice. The cab finally came, and the disgusting horked-up sheet was still clutched to my chest, but I wouldn’t notice it until I got home. When I got home, I realized that I wasn’t even wearing shoes — only socks.

2:15 AM. I tore off my clothes, threw them in the bathtub, and went to bed. When I got up for work the next morning at 8, I woke up in a sandwich — I had somehow crammed myself in between the bare mattress and the fitted sheet. The elastic was holding me in like a pita pocket.

I think I win the 2009 award for WORST DRUNK EVER!!!

yo somtimes it is hard to post on here because there is no fuckin gbutton that says FUCKING POST EHRE. for the extreme drunk ass this sis damn near imporssible. anyway. i have been dirnking red wine. more than a bnottle’s worth. i’m drunk,. duh. i watching fucking choppied. they shou.ldn’t have that show. its like asking chef EEY HERE ARE THE SHITTIEST INGREDIENTS WE CAN GIVE YOU, MAKE SOMETHING THAT DOESN’T SUCK BALLS. good luck, shiutfuycks. anywa i’m just trying to say i’,m druik and you gfguys aren’t later. fucktwats.

you shit fced cock masters. i drank alot of stella but aslso i drank makeras smark adn also i’ m aeseoms some chicks from ohio wants to suck my dick bu then theye aallll turn sclassy lik ethey weren’t from hjere. bitches. also my dick was gonnna get sucked but skluts and i drank wihskye

at least not when they drink and drive and kill a bunch of people

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1915467,00.html

sorry everyone who read that last article about how cool it was that you could drink and be a parent, LOOKS LIKE YOU WERE WRONG, because some woman killed herself and her kids by DRINKING

Hello.  We went to the City and danced for Soul Night tonight.  I’m listening to the Temptations – Get Ready right now and I can’t imagine that life could get any better.  Also I am drunk and working on a Knob Creek on the rocks, just to keep things honest.  How are you?

so i bought a new beer tonight and it’s called michelob porter. i know i know – michelob, that’s short for “budweiser” but this is actually pretty good. i like porters. i like dark beer, it’s the best

i’m a fan of amberbock, another budweisrer/michelob thing and this is even darker but not quite a stout i suppose

DELICIOUS

oh ALSO, you know the old miller light commercial “youhad a hard day at the office, now it’s miller time” well more like “you had  a hard day at the office, now it’s TROLLING YAHOO ANSWERS TIME” am i rite

the people on yahoo answers are the people that make me drink

PS: oh nice i just noticed the messed up “how drunk are you” menu, that’ sg reat guys, good job thanks

yo listen up. its kmikey. everyones favorteie awesome dude. i saw the CA PHILAHATMONIC tonight. they were gocool i guess. i wasn’t allowed to drink cause i was the DESIDGANTED DRIVER. SHE WAS FUICKING GAY. bvut on the plus i got home in recordd time and also i ate basically nothign today. so i fixed myself a tall pint glass of ELIJAH CRAIG. for you ASSSSHOLES that don’t know what that ss is its WHISKWYE on wkehsikwy weekend.  its fucking my UPPPPPPPPPPPPPP. also: tits. thats pretty muchc all i gto. i like tits.

guys i am preetty glad i rpgoramed my copmutar to save drunk houranl password bcaue now i can post!@!

my computear knows my secretes

hey guys happy saturda y niw, i just want to say whello

WHELLO LOLZ

my coweronkrer took me \out and it was quitre an eexperience, it’s been a while.  we drank lots o beer and i met his freidns and i wandered arojnd and met some more popel and the bartender ooooh la la lal la

ps.

i am soproud of my self for being able to DJ POSRT DJ POST DJPOST

+2359023582490237 AWESOME POINTSS PINTS HAHAHAHAHAH

i have recently become convinced that recycling programs are nothing more than a conspiracy designed to shame people into not drinking. when you just toss all your empties out in your garbage, no one sees them and no one cares – but we have these transparent blue recycling bag, and when you’re working through two boxes full of miniature liquor bottles (plus the weekend’s case of beer and a bottle of wine) that shit is NOTICEABLE.

good thing i ain’t shamed!

sorry, i have a boring post about the news but this was really interesting to me

you see, the south carolina constitution only allows for the law to prevent 18-20 year olds from BUYING alcohol.

but once  they have it in their hands, there’s nothing you can do to stop them from drinking it.

probably the most enlightened thing i’ve heard on the subject in a while:

In a statement, McCulloch says the ruling “presents to the General Assembly and ultimately to the voters of South Carolina an opportunity to address the issue of under-21 access to alcoholic beverages in a thoughtful and deliberate way.”

“The constitutional decision to allow 18 year olds a vast array of freedoms, including the ability to fight for our country, suggests that the privilege of alcohol consumption as well should be extended to our citizens who are 18 years old and above,” McCulloch writes.

He says lawmakers, if they revisit the issue, should “look beyond criminalization and resist calls from the pressure groups opposed to alcohol to more productive solutions like education and counselors.”

full story – http://www.wistv.com/Global/story.asp?S=10726099

of course, i’m sure someone here is running afoul of the law – whoever purchased the alcohol in order to give it to the 18 year old is probably violating something or other – but at least the 18 year old isn’t actually breaking the law by drinking.