Last Thursday was ridiculous. Between the three of us, my friends and I had 2 bottles of wine and half of a bottle of Hennessey. Freaking ghetto.

The only things I remember are an ill-conceived drinking game based around Iron Chef America. Every time they showed judge Jeffrey Steingarten’s greasy-ass lips, we would drink. Then on Project Runway, every time Tim Gunn touched his face, we’d drink. Whenever someone smiled, we’d drink.

Woke up at 1AM, making HURRRRR HURRRR noises on their futon (leaving what was later delightfully described to me as a “squirtle” on the wall).  I tore off the funky futon sheet in horror, clutching it to my chest. Then I immediately forgot I’d already taken the sheet off, and HULK-LIFTED the mattress, scrabbling to find the sheet.

Then I decided since I couldn’t find the sheet, I should take the whole futon mattress OUT OF THE APARTMENT. More HULK-LIFTING. Then, “Jesus christ this is freaking heavy, eh?” so I just ended up feebly flipping the mattress over and over again, still trying to find the sheet.

I called a cab service to come get me in motherflipping Harlem. I was crying for some reason, and my drunk-voice sounds like the voice of a retard with a mouth full of mashed potatoes. The dispatcher kept asking me if someone had kidnapped me, or if I was being held against my will. “NOE, I JUSS DRAUNKKK, I nee to go hooooommm,” I moaned in my retard-drunk-voice. The cab finally came, and the disgusting horked-up sheet was still clutched to my chest, but I wouldn’t notice it until I got home. When I got home, I realized that I wasn’t even wearing shoes — only socks.

2:15 AM. I tore off my clothes, threw them in the bathtub, and went to bed. When I got up for work the next morning at 8, I woke up in a sandwich — I had somehow crammed myself in between the bare mattress and the fitted sheet. The elastic was holding me in like a pita pocket.

I think I win the 2009 award for WORST DRUNK EVER!!!

this past weekend i attended a baby shower. luckily, it wasn’t as girly and stuffy as most baby showers, and one of the highlights of the event was a race to chug a baby bottle full of beer.

this is much harder than it sounds.

four guys and one girl (not the expectant mother, naturally) participated, with the girl ultimately winning. i didn’t feel any less manly for losing however (how much less manly could i get anyway, after trying to suck beer through a nipple for 15 minutes?) because she went on to describe how her sucking technique was her secret to success. so, more power to her.

it was an interesting game, but be prepared to spend a lot of time on it unless you enlarge the holes in the bottles first.

You may or may not remember the BBC’s Japanese TV show Banzai, which had a short run several years ago on Fox, and then until recently had been airing on G4 late at night.

Banzai is absolutely the best show to build a drinking game around.

The show is a collection of ridiculous “challenges”, and the viewers are asked to bet on the outcome. In our case, of course, that means “if you lose, you take a drink”. The show is hilarious to begin with, and adding a drinking competition to it just puts it over the top. Imagine a dozen drunkards screaming at the TV, encouraging their chosen contestant to find the dog poop hidden in a shoe. It gets to be a pretty wild party.

Imagine my delight when I discovered that a Banzai DVD/Board Game was available on amazon.com!

You will not go wrong getting that game. Have people over. Drink. Play. It will KICK ASS, I promise.

Now I only wish that either

1. they’d start playing Banzai on G4 again so I can record it
2. they’d release all the episodes on DVD

Of course, once you know all the outcomes of all the competitions, it’s not really fair to play against people who don’t… but you can still get drunk anyway.

1. Choose 80 ounces of your favorite malt liqor.
2. Have a friend tape a 40 to each of your hands.
3. Have said friend open the bottles for the competitiors.
4. Drink your face off as fast as possible and rip the tape off of your hands with your teeth.

Complications begin to arise around the ass end of your second 40. this is due to the fact that you have to pee like a motherfucker, your cell phone is ringing in your pocket, your balls itch and your friends are taping signs to your back.

Winner takes all.

get a deck of cards, and place them in piles of black and red. then take it in turns to pick a card.

if its a:
2 – spin around whilst drinking
3 – tell a truth + take a drink
4 – do a dare + take a drink
5 – say an ‘i have never…’
6 – go round the circle until u reach 10 (eg person who picked card would be 1, then the next would be 2) and whoever turns out to be 10 DRINKS!
7 – pass it on to someone else
8 – sing a nursery rhyme, drinking after every sentence
9 – answer a question made by the person to your left. if right, the questioner drinks, if wrong, you drink
10 – everyone drinks

JACK – drink some of the person next to you’s drink (the right)
QUEEN – drink 1/2 your drink
KING – try and hop in straight line whilst on one leg – if you wobble or fall over, you drink all your drink
ACE – choose the name of a person in the circle, then take guesses on who you chose. the person who’s right drinks.

This was my first drinking game EVER!!!!
(played yesterday!!!!)
IT IS SUPER FUN!!!

Okay. Get 2+ people sitting in a circle. Each person has a drink.
In the middle, put a deck of cards and spread it out, facedown, in the shape of a huge circle.

You go around to the right and pick a card.

If the card is BLACK and a number (as opposed to J, Q, K, A), you drink for that many seconds — CHUGGING, NO GIRLY SIPPY STYLE!!@

If the card is RED and a number, you can divide that number of seconds of drinking amongst all, some, or just one person in the circle (i.e. if you get 6, you can divide it 2, 2, 2; 3, 3; or have one person drink for 6 seconds).

OKAY SO THIS IS WHERE IT GETS GIGGLY FUN!!!

If it is a JACK, then you go around really fast and ask a stupid random question of the person to the right of you, going around and around (i.e. “What’s your mom’s name? Do you like cheese?”) until someone messes up/asks the same question/starts laughing, etc. Then that person has to drink for like 3 seconds.

If it is a QUEEN, then it’s “never have I ever..”
You say something that you’ve never done. Then the people in the circle who HAVE done it before have to drink for 3 seconds.

If it is a KING, then you make up a rule. Any rule. For example, “whoever laughs next has to drink for __ seconds!!” or a really good one yesterday was “if you get a spade, you have to drink for DOUBLE the seconds!!”

If it is an ACE (THIS IS SUPER CRAZY!@!!!!) it’s a WATERFALL!!!!
The person who drew the card starts drinking, the person to the right of him starts drinking, so on until everyone starts drinking in a domino-effect-esque fashion. Only after the first person stops can the rest of the circle stop one after the other. WHOAH!

*****

A super fun variation is with Jacks.

In the center of the circle, put a bottle of something supercrazy, preferably Jack Daniels.

What we did was make a different rule– what you usually do with Jacks (asking random questions until someone messes up) we assigned to 10’s.
As for Jacks, whoever got one had to take a swig of Jack Daniels!
And the person who got the 4th Jack had to finish the bottle!! (If it’s ridiculously full, then take 4 huge swigs.)

It ends when all the cards are taken.
THIS GAME IS RIDICULOUSLY FUN. PLAY IT. NOW.

Fill a pitcher with beer, and a cup half of beer floating in the pitcher (the bismark). All the players gather around the pitcher, with beer in hand, pouring part of their drink into the bismark. The idea is to add just enough beer, that one more drop will sink the ship, thus screwing the person after you, who must drink the sunken cup full of beer. Refill, and start again.

TRE-MAN is a dice game that can ruin your life. this is not for the lightwieght. PROFESSIONALS ONLY. all you need is 2 dice, a surface to roll them on and a large supply of something with alchohol in it because water wont get you drunk. a minimum of three players is needed. to begin take one of the dice and roll that bitch. if the player who rolled it gets a 3 that person is TRE-MAN. if they roll anything else they pass the die to their left and so it goes until someone rolls a 3.

once TRE-MAN has been designated the person that rolled the 3 passes the die to the left. that person takes both die and tosses.

whenever a 3 comes up on on either one die or as a combo of both TRE-MAN drinks.

if a 4+1 get rolled you must slap yourself in the forehead. the last person to accomplish this must drink

if a combination of 10 is rolled this is a social and everyone raises their drink then drinks. if during the raisng of drinks someones drink touches the drink of the TRE-MAN that person is now the new TRE-MAN

if a combo of 7 is rolled the person to the right of the 7 roller drinks

if an 11 gets rolled the person to the left of the 11 roller drinks

dice keep getting passed to the left. roll and pass roll and pass thats what its all about

DOUBLES ARE A BITCH! the person who rolls doubles can give the dice to another person of their choice. if they can not, in turn, roll doubles they drink sips equal to the amount shown on their roll. if they do roll doubles the dice go back to the original double roller. if that person cannot roll doubles they drink TWICE the amount on the dice. this continues until someone fails to roll doubles, each time the multiplier increases by the amount the dice have been passed back and forth. if double threes are rolled TRE-MAN must drink twice. the double roller can then give the dice to the TRE-MAN. this is a good way to make an enemy or a freind depending on viewpoint of TRE-MAN. at any point during dueling doubles a three comes up TRE-MAN drinks.

how does aTRE-MAN get out of being TRE-MAN? if TRE-MAN rolls a 3 one dice gets sent to the left of TRE-MAN and the next person to roll a 3 is TRE-MAN. OR…. TRE-MAN, upon rolling a 3 can pick the new TRE-MAN.

then you got all your variable rules you can choose to throw in to make things even more interesting and hard to keep track of as you get more drunk. such as…..

snake eyes: if they come up the tosser gets to make a new rule of their choice. for example: everyone has to do everything with their left hand or the right hand must be ocupied by their drink at all times or everyone has to keep one hand on their crotch or the next person who rolls a 6 has to make out with the dog or swallow their whole drink or when a whatever gets rolled that person has to whatever etc. the possibilities are endles

the ashtray: if a player rolls into the ashtray then they have to drink 5 times the amount shown on the dice. if they get both dice in there the whole drink goes down. if they are at the bottom of their cup rifill that shit and start fom the top

the tabel:if you roll a dice off the table you must sip the nuber shown when it lands. if both go off then its the total showing.

this game is very versatile and can be modified easily to accomodate how fast you want to get drunk.

the end

Well this game is actually hard to understand via instructions, but once you get playing is amazingly easy to learn, yet impossible to master.

The game should be at least 5 people in size, and never more than 10 (it gets too hard).

Everyone sits in a circle, drink at the ready, and a prince is chosen. For our game, we will say there are six people.

The “prince” is the person who leads off the first time. What he/she will do is pick up their drink, tap it to the table, take a drink, and while holding the drink aloft, start with this:

“Whales tales, prince of whales, tails to the right on [insert number <= number of players] say who?”

So assuming it was said “Whales tales, prince of whales, tails to the right on three say who?”, you would count three people to the right, and they are on the spot.

The correct response for the person would be “Nay, [insert number <= number of players] who?” At which time you count that many players to to the right, and that person is now on the spot.

If someone doesn’t realize that they were the one called on (they weren’t paying attention, didn’t count right, etc) they have to drink the number that was called to reach them, tap the drink to the table, take an additional drink, and start, “whales tails..” etc, as they are the new prince.

If you miscount and speak out of turn, you are the new prince.

If you say more players than exist, you drink for being stupid, and start again.

And if you (again assuming there are six) say six, you have chosen yourself and therefore must (timely) respond with “Nay [n] who?”

Finally, whales don’t have fingers, so you must use your flippers (elbows) to point at people, if you point with fingers/hand/genitals, you drink.

Add’tl rules:
“Golden Chair”: If this rule is in effect, when someone leaves the table (more beer, peeing) they may call “golden chair” that means that whoever calls on that chair, has to then respond as though they were in the chair. So if there are six people, the golden chair is two to your right, you could in effect, say “nay six who (back to you), nay two who (golden chair) nay six who (golden chair) nay four who (you) nay two who (golden chair) as long as you can keep saying it reasonably, before picking someone. If you can master using a golden chair, it is hella easy to trip up other players. Of course, if you do the math improperly and speak out of turn as a result of your rant, you drink and start again. (We often add penalties to players who do long stretches before finally fucking up).

While its generally a good idea to limit the game to one golden chair, for added challenge add as many as you want.

“Target”: If using this rule, any one who screws up twice in a row becomes the “target” (generally some flippers in their direction with chanting of “target!” to let them know..) It is now everyones duty to try and trip them a third time. If they are hit a third time while they are the target, they must stand, with a full drink (usually beer) while the following is sung/chanted:

“Heres to brother/sister <i&gt;Name</i&gt;, brother/sister <i&gt;Name</i&gt;,brother/sister <i&gt;Name</i&gt;, heres to brother/sister <i&gt;Name</i&gt;, who’s with us tonight. He/She eats it and beats, oh how he/she mistreats it, (chant/yelled) so chug motherfucker chug mother fucker chug!” At which point the target has to chug the remainder (or predetermined amount) of their drink.

requires 6-10 people

1) make as many cocktails as you can think of
2) place them in a circle
3)put a lighter in the middle
4) take it in turns to spin the lighter, and whichever two drinks it lands on, you have to take 3 sips
5)dont forget to hide your wallet and phone before you pass out on the floor to be ridiculed