have you ever looked through all those lists of "how to make money on the internet" and you're like "what a bunch of horseshit?"

well i wanted to think of ways to make money being a drunk. so here is my list, top ways to make money being a drunk:

1. be zane lamprey

this list is not very helpful

after 3 weeks of 10-hour workdays and work-saturdays, we were so close to being finished our website relaunch until our vendor managed to screw everything up in a single afternoon.

while watching the project collapse in chaos around me, i muttered to myself "tonight is a whiskey night", to which the coworkers around me laughed in surprise and said they couldn't see me as a whiskey drinker.

it's amazing how little the people you work with can know about you.

here's an article about "cheap liquor" that has a pretty loose interpretation of the word "cheap".

most of the bottles they cite cost about $20 or less for a 750ml bottle.

twenty bucks a fifth? are you kidding me? motherfucker, don't come talking to me about "cheap" liquor unless it's under $20 a handle. unless i can get an entire LITER tacked on to your 750ml, i don't consider it "cheap". maybe this is why people resort to drinking mouthwash, because they think $20 a fifth is the cheapest thing anyone carries.

here are the cheap-ass things i sometimes drink that makes anyone dropping a jackson on 750ml of liquor look like professor moneybags:

• skol vodka. it is $12 for 1.75 liters


• evan williams green label bourbon. $16 per 1.75 and it tastes FINE


• old smuggler scotch. when i'm feeling like actually dropping $20 on something, it may be on a handle of this, which i can get for $19.99.

these are things that are cheap. if you want to be cheap, you are not allowed to be snobby about it.

so here's a story about a place where alcoholics go to live and the first guy they talk to is drinking mouthwash to get drunk.

now, i've heard of people doing this, and it still doesn't make any sense to me. what kind of cheap-ass mouthwash are these people drinking? a bottle of mouthwash costs like 5 bucks. are you telling me that for 5 bucks you can't find some real alcohol to drink? for 5 bucks you could get eight cans of steel reserve, or a couple 40s. save up 10 bucks and you can get a handle of the cheapest vodka at the liquor store. that has got to stretch farther than a bottle of mouthwash does.

someone PLEASE explain to me the advantages of drinking mouthwash, because i sure as hell don't see any.

so we got a dvd set of the wire, and we've been watching it. it's a pretty good show, and i suppose everyone knows that already and we're just late to the game. we're on season 4 now, but i gotta tell you. if i had started watching at season 2, i would have been all like "what the hell is this" and stopped watching. all because of one guy:

ziggy.

he is not a gritty, real life person who haunts the streets of baltimore. he is a cartoonish caricature of a moron who is too dumb to live.

the end of the season when we finally get to see him spill his guts and learn his motivations in life, i was saying to myself "this better be more than 'my dad didn't pay enough attention to me'"

but that's all it was. :(

anyway, ziggy did only one cool thing that entire season. he made a duck drink whiskey. then the duck drank himself to death.

ziggy was stupid.

so there was a slideshow on cnbc about the world's strongest liquor brands, which frankly was not that interesting but it made me want to mention two things:

1. everclear. i will never drink it again. years ago the wife and i did everclear and coke all night or some shit and i have never had a night disappear as fast as that. we're talking about the 190 proof stuff too, because i got it in louisiana. in florida you can't even buy it that strong. it's capped at 151.


2. steel reserve. it's not among the "strongest liquors" but loob and i did some math a while back and figured out that it is definitely the lowest price for the most alcohol per volume. a 4-pack of 16 oz cans costs around 2.50 at my local grocery store. at 8.1%, you just cannot find something that strong for that cheap.

and that's the end of my story.

i've posted before about all the times applebees mistakenly gives alcohol to the kids who are drinking there, and looks like they did it again.

WHY IS IT ALWAYS AN APPLEBEES

you'd think we'd hear about this more often if it happened other places too, but it's always an applebees.

i poured my quart of olde english into a big liter-size beer mug so i would feel more sophisticated. i got this mug a few years ago. i think i got it at crazy buffet, which is weird because that's an asian place and the big beer mug says "paulaner munchen" on it. i guess it was from asian oktoberfest, who knows.

crazy buffet is pretty sweet. they used to give you free dinner on your birthday, but then they stopped doing that, but then they started doing it again. honestly, i have no idea what their current policy is. but the buffet is extensive so it's usually worth it anyway.

one time after going out to see someone. i think ti was joel mchale, we were all "let's go to crazy buffet" but we got there too late and it was closed. we went to the place that took over the closed down bennigans instead. it was ok i guess.

did you know that in florida you can't get 40s? i may have mentioned that before. a quart is the biggest size bottle you can get. "they" claim it's to prevent alcohol abuse but it turns out the biggest opponents to changing the rules are distributers who don't want to have to accomoodate different sizes of bottles in their trucks. they have a system worked out with 32 ounce bottles and god dammit nothing is going to change that because it will cost them money.

either way, i still call the item that i buy at 7-11 (that's the only place to get these around here) a "40" because god dammit that's what it is. "40" is not a size, it's a way of life

40 stories i should tell sometime:

• the time cravens chugged a 40 while we were waiting to get into the rat in boston and he threw up before we even got in to the show

actually i guess thats the only one. and i guess i just told it. cravens chugged a 40 in the parking lot behind the rat. then he puked. the end.

oh well

CNN just posted an article about "7 things not to do online in 2011"

Number 6 on the list:

6. ... drunk-text.

Or drunk-tweet. Or drunk-e-mail. Or drunk-update-le-Facebook-status.

It's 2011, folks -- of course the coders who hand you such digital Tommy guns have figured out how to add safety latches. Apps like Mail Goggles and the social media sobriety test mitigate the damage.

If only you'd done some sober installing before your big NYE open bar, the decade might've begun on a much less sloppy, indelicate foot.

Aww, come on CNN. Where's the fun in that?

Well anyway, in a week or so there will be a nice place available to everyone who wants to do all those things, but not where your mom can read it.

so have you ever been driving home and you see some car swerving over the lane lines and then swerving back and you're like "OH MY GOD that guy is drunk???" well i saw that guy tonight: speeding, tailgating, constantly tapping his brakes, and drifting all over the god damn road.

SPOILER ALERT: it was a police cruiser. not a pasco county sherriff though, a tampa cop. which means it was some tampa cop who lives in the suburbs who got his ass drunk when he got off duty and drove home.

either that, or TAMPA COPS ARE REALLY SHITTY DRIVERS.

i don't know which is worse.

this is my last night of partying because tomorrow is my last day off from work. it will have been 11 days in a row off which is nice. it let me got a lot of work done on THIS WEB SITE. i still have a lot to do before a legitimate public relaunch. you can make comments now, btu there are also like 1000 orphan comments from the old database that need to be reassigned to their parent post. :/ maybe that's what i can spend my days doing when i get back to my day job.